The radio station I listen to on the way to work in the morning always has a "joke of the day". In an effort to lighten things up around here, I'm going to post several funny things from my favorite comedian, Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P).

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,"... so it died.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I got a business card, 'cause I want to win some lunches. That's what my business card says: "Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner." Call me, maybe we'll have lunch...If I'm lucky.

I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I'd mess with his head. I'd say: "Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing. It's just flat."

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrenes, party of two, table ready for Dufrenes, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrenes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufrenes."

lol. The parrot one is my favorite. I think last month the mood of the forum was a little tense, but now I hope it'll be better. But that was funny :)

I absolutely love Mitch Hedberg. He was one of the funniest comedians I've ever seen...and cute too hehehe!

Here's another joke...I hope no one gets offended. It's taken from the part in the Bible where Jesus and his disciples met an adulteress that was being taken to be stoned.

After Jesus wrote on the dirt a list of sins of both the Pharisees that were leading the woman, he took a stone from a man standing closest to him and said, "Whoever of you is without sin, cast the first stone." No one moved. Then all of a sudden the woman got hit on the head by a big stone. Everyone turned to see who it was and there was Mary, Jesus' mother standing there...

Get it?

LOL!

ahaha, my big sis above me got me hooked on mitch hedburg.. it's just so sad that he's not here anymore... ;(

Speaking of big sis... that was my joke! I told that to you!! lol!

Hmmmm, i know a couple more other jokes.. but then, they're are too long to type.. lol!

So yeah, i just wanted to drop by... hehe...