Yesterday, my fiance's 10 year old daughter asked me if I knew that many black families got help from the government (I was taken aback because race is never a topic of discussion with her). I explained that many people of all races get assistance and it depends on their situation. She then started to tell me a story about being in the supermarket with her mother and how her mother didn't like being behind black people because they "were slow." How ignorant...but this gets better.

I explained again to her this time how a race does not make someone slow. She then asks me, "Well, do you know why they are living off the government?" I said, "why don't you tell me what you think." I have never been more shocked in my life. She says, "because they can't keep their legs closed. I don't even know what that means!"

I was furious. Who tells a ten year old that!!!??? I'm sick of her mother putting ideas in her head, rather than letting her have a mind of her own about things. I can't do much about it, except I explained to her that things are not the way she is told they are. I told her that if all blonde-haired 10 year old's were brats, how would she feel by my generalization? She said, "I'm not a brat." Exactly, so we cannot lump people in by color, by gender, by age. People are different all over. She shouldn't have to hear the rantings of a woman who is obviously delusional.

The worst part about this, is that her hearing me get upset because of this makes her think I am attacking her mother. She believes what her mom says...it's her mother. How do I tell her any different?

Parents instill a lot of their own values in their children and children tend to believe in the same things as them...it's just how they were brought up. I know people who are racist from my town, and their parents are racist as well.

I think it's going to take a certain level of trust for your fiance's daughter to know that you aren't trying to attack her mother, but to teach her other ways of looking at things. I'm not sure how close you and your fiance's daughter are, but I think the first step is to become closer. Let her learn to trust you...having a stepmother is probably tough on her. It sounds like she is just repeating what her mother says, and doesn't quite know what she is saying yet. Getting her to open her eyes and mind to differences in beliefs might still be a possibility at her age. Try talking to your fiance about this as well...maybe he can help instilling values in his daugther that show her that racism isn't something to value.

Good luck, Mary! :)
I know that you are intelligent and caring, and your step daughter will hopefully come around to see that.

Como estas MARY?!?!?! :)

I love how your step daughter has discussions with you and she does not have that anger that her father has moved on you know? So that's very good. Don't get me wrong Mary in any way, I think since you feel that her mother is stupid its hard to hide it. Kids are very observant and they see every single face expression. Even though you are not saying nothing bad about the mom just by your emotions she feels that way. I don't know if that makes any sense. :)

Anyways, my father disliked black people. And he never wanted me to marry one. When I was growing up I was drawn to them and man I had a difficult time with my dad. We fought every time. But you know why I did not become a lot like him? Because I grew up with black people. So maybe your step daughter needs to hang out with different nationalities so she hopefully won't have a negative view of other cultures.

Both Jess and Ingrid have very solid points and advice. I think that the most indirect way to show your step-daughter how you feel about other races is to let her spend more time around kids from different cultures and have her come to her own conclusions about them...hopefully--since she sounds like she's a smart and sweet girl--she will see that they are friendly just like herself but with different skin colors. As Ingrid said, kids pick up on every little thing...your tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, so maybe it's best to approach the heart of the matter indirectly.
Cause the last thing you would want is to have something you said (no matter how much you mean well) go back to her mother and start a feud between you, her and your fiance.

I am also not sure how close you are to her, but I would work on developing a closeness with her. So that she can see you're not attacking her mother...but that you're just merely looking out for precious child like her.

If she's 10 years old, she probably more savvy than we would expect, since I think we all have a tendency to think they just aren't old enough to understand some things that they're fully capable of "getting". You could always ask for a "pow-wow" with the child and the mother where you discuss the individual vs. the group and specifics vs. overgeneralizations, and ask this woman to support her opinions with facts that aren't merely anecdotal with a basis in the racist views she has, most likely as a result of cultural inculcation, supported by her own parents and peer groups. If nothing else, it'll make for one helluva fun time if you can remain totally calm, civil, reasoned and rational while she starts getting red in the face and bellicose, at which point you can start discussing self-control and how when core belief systems are challenged, even in a peaceful manner, violent behavior and/or tendencies become very evident as a defense mechanism. I'd get a kick out of being a fly on the wall while its happening.