So...my story starts under a pile of bricks. I need some help figuring this one out.

As many of you already know, I have been married twice. I am 33. I am engaged to be married a third (and final!) time. I first got married at age 20 (divorced at 25), then was with someone from 25-29 (divorced at 30). I have had my fair share of comments or jokes, so it's all good.

The bottom line of it is that I do take marriage seriously...you cannot always control what others in the relationship do. Also, had I not gone through what I did, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I don't ever feel like I have to justify it to anyone. However, that's where my dilemma comes in...

My friends, family, etc. know my past, and it is fine with them. My future mother-in-law, my fiance's brother, and his daughter do not know. I don't want to seem like I was keeping a secret, but it wasn't a relevent piece of info at the time (Hi! Nice to meet you...I've been married twice!).

How would you talk to a ten-year old that will be your step-daughter about this? I am also concerned that my fiance's mother may have her reservations also. I just don't know how to bring it up to either...and I don't want to feel judged on this front with either of them. I don't want to lose either ones trust.

Any advice?

In all honesty, I don't think it's that important of a factor for your step daughter to know! My Mum's been married three times, and it hasn't really effected anything for me. If she asks, tell her. But it's not really something you need to sit down and tell her.

This is a tough situation. If you do feel strongly about telling her (like you said, you don't want to keep a secret), you should do it. Take her out to dinner or something as just the two of you. Talk about the marriage and ask her if she has any concerns. This is a huge thing for both of you, and you want to be able to trust each other...otherwise it's not going to be a good situation in the long run. Talking to her about the marriage can lead you into your discussion about your past marriage...you don't have to go into details unless she asks. Odds are, it's not going to bother her that much. It will probably affect her more that you are going to be her step mother....lucky girl! :)

Was your fiance married before? If he was, I think that it will be understandable to both your future mother in law and step daughter. Many people have been married multiple times and still end up in happy, loving relationships in the end!

Shutterbug,

I agree with you. However, let's say it comes up by someone else saying something at the wedding like, "Third time's a charm!" and she has to hear it from someone else. I would rather have her hear it from me, than to keep it from her. Besides, it's her father I am marrying...and she has a right to know who my past. Maybe it won't matter to her. Hopefully not.

And my friends have big mouths! I can't keep a secret like that from anyone once everyone is together, lol!

Hey Mary,

If you do choose to approach the topic, approach it with care. I would not act like you are ashamed of your past, because it brought you to your present. I would also only discuss it with the mother. As a child, adult affairs really aren't her business (unless she's over eighteen or something). The mother has a right to know, but the daughter is a more delicate subject.

When you talk to the mom about it, don't just open up some kind of awkward conversation to get it off your chest. Approach it in a calm, honest, open manner that lets her know you don't feel as though you've done anything WRONG, per say. Just kind of casually say, "My ex husband..." or something of the sort. It will lead to curiosity, and curiosity leads to questions :)

I'm glad to see you're still around, by the way.

Hello mary:) Congrats again on winning:):) I think its a great idea to take your future MIL out to dinner and just honestly and nicely just explain that you have gone through a lot in your life and that out of those "bad" situations you gained a better understanding of the love and commitment that are necessary by both parties to hold a marriage together. (or something like that im kinda just making it up lol) She SHOULD just accept you and not harbor ill feelings but if she does then just brush it off and be your nice self and she will come around in time. Plus, since her son has been through a divorce she should understand how the other person doesn't always work out.

Its surprising how many things kids can just absorb and accept and see as normal. Is her mom remarried? Depending on how mature she is, you could probably just explain that you had been married before but they weren't the right one and that now you and her dad are both 100% committed and you are so excited to not only have the perfect guy but also the perfect girl! Odds are, she might be more accepting of hat fact then the mother in law lol

I totally agree with Allie. Best of luck to you, let us know how it turns out!

As long as you're not keeping it from your future husband, I don't think the mother can really get too mad seeing as he accepts your past so she should to. Of course she might feel that she needs to protect her son, but i'm sure that if you let her know nice and gently, it'll all work out. I don't think the daughter should really be informed because she's young and I don't think it would really matter to her. It's not like my mother sat down and gave me a background check on my step dad when I was young. All that matters is that you love each other and you're happpy.

I'm not a parent. I would talk to your husband about telling his daughter (if you haven't already). He probably knows his daughter better than anyone, so he may have more of an idea as to whether or not she could handle the news.

Beyond that, I would just say do what your heart and mind tell you. If you think you need to tell her, try to do it without sounding guilty, but without sounding too proud, if you know what I mean. I think, if you feel she needs to know, she needs to know that you are not ashamed of the divorces (or of yourself for them), but that you can be trusted and that you don't take the pending marriage to her father lightly.

That said, I don't have kids, so it's hard for me to say for sure.

As far as your mother-in-law, I guess just try to tell her in a mature, civil, head-held-high kind of way. She's an adult. She should understand that sometimes divorce is not your fault. And, bottom line, I would hope that she would accept you because her son does. Do you have a good relationship with her now? If she already doesn't like you, finding out you are twice-divorced might give her more ammunition against you. If you already likes you, I would think it wouldn't matter as much. Has she been divorced? Maybe then she would be more understanding.

Not knowing your or your family, it's hard to know what to do. Just try to gauge the maturity of your step-daughter and act based on that. And your mother-in-law will have to learn to live with it, no matter what she thinks. Still, I would try to tell her calmly and matter-of-factly, without seeming emotionless, either.

It seems that you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. Chances are your mother-in-law, fiance's brother, and step daughter won't make a big deal out of it because it is not a big deal. And if they do, who cares, they would get over it eventually. You are not marrying your mother-in-law or fiance's brother or step daughter, you are marrying your fiance. Ask your fiance to subtly mention it during a social gathering while you aren't around. They will tell him the truth. Or you can joke about it next time you are around them. If they laugh, then it is totally fine.

ANYWAY, my advice to your as a friend to try to compromise with whatever the consequenses marriage brings to you.
because you are still young and can reform and amend your ways of life. for as an old adage says " life has no spare" so do the best your can with it while you are still alive.
stick to your husband like a sticker, learn to tolerate others action , if not you will always suffer heart break.

So I've read other people's replies, to see if there is anything else that hasn't already been suggested, recommended or advised. It's obviously important to you that your MIL know or you wouldn't be so conflicted about this situation. It would be best not to start things off on the wrong foot by her finding out some other way and then feeling that she may not even know you that well, even though you'll be a part of the family. So as far as your mother in law goes, go for it. I agree with the others, don't be ashamed of your past, you yourself said it made you who you are today. As for your future step daughter, I think she is a bit too young to have this discussion with. Just the fact that her father is going to be married to somebody other than her mother is something that she is already thinking about, so maybe a conversation reassuring her that you love her daddy and that everything will be alright would be good for now.

So, I did tell my soon to be stepdaughter about being married twice. Her reply? "I didn't know that." She said she really didn't know how to feel, but nothing has been different about our relationship. I don't think it was a big deal for her.

Thanks all for your suggestions! I appreciate it!

Aesapesa :)

I think that you've gotta give kids ccredit. They see way more than you could ever suspect that they do. Kids are way smarter than adults will ever be.

The thing is, adults already think they've got everything all figured out. So, when you say that you've been married twice to an adult, they get all cynical and judgemental about it.

Kids, fortunately, are not burdened by nearly as many stereo types. Kids pick up on all the subtleties that adults miss. You can't put one over on them. What she's going to notice most is the way you act around her father, and the type of mom that you are to her.

I think that's where you should focus. Worrying about what she's gonna think about it is going to make you second guess yourself, and in turn, you'll be less present. I say, concentrate on being a loving parent and spouse, and when issues come up, just be honest, and talk to her like she's smart and able to handle it.

Your history is far more important to you than it is to her.

Hope that helps. For what it's worth, I get a pretty good vibe from ya, and I'm sure you'll do fine.